dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
