What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
