Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
