I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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