goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
