I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
