I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
