I think I won the penis lottery.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize