opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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