I can tuck mytits in my pants
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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