you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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