I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just pee around me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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