you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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