Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
