so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
