I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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