I wish I could teleport
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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