WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just high enough for therapy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
