Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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