Can i not drive my cunt home
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
