Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
