my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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