there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
