Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize