I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
