Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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