He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
