Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
