you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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