hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
