i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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