got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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