We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
