it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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