he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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