I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize