I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
