It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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