I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize