I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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