My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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