I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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