Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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