Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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