If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
