just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
