That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
