so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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