I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
