wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
