Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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