tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
