Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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