I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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