ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
