He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
