I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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