I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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